Depressed about dating prospects

I enjoy going on dates with new and interesting people.

I like expanding my social network, going to fun events and just generally enjoying life with my genitals. But when you’re in a poly relationship and a depressive episode hits you, I promise you, it’s the most fucked up exercise in frustration you will ever experience.

So what was initially just me and my feelings, now becomes a battle to ensure that no one gets to see what I’m going through, and every time that they do, the pressure mounts to not let it happen again.

It’s one thing if someone sees me having a bit of a cry one time, but how will they feel when it’s six times in a row, and it always seems to coincide with their dates with my partner?

When I’m in a depressive episode, I’ll convince myself that my partner’s relationships depend upon me not being depressed.

I tell myself that if he sees me getting sad, he’ll think it’s because of the people he’s dating, and he’ll want to break up with them to keep me happy.

Many moments consist of glamourous selfies and snapshots from exotic locales.Or worse, if the people he’s dating see me falling apart, they’ll assume it’s because I’m not okay with their relationship, and they’ll bail out rather than deal with the drama of my mental health.And these are all terrible scenarios, because the worst thing in the world for me, is to feel like my depression is impacting other people's happiness.It makes the ant go to the tallest blade of grass it can find. It will become physically difficult to move, impossible to ask for help, and you'll make decisions that, in hindsight, made no sense other than to make your life actively worse. You will know from the bottom of your heart that they don’t and can’t love you. That’s what depression in a relationship looks like.In my life I’ve pushed away friends, family members, partners and even pets.

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